2013

Just thought I'd take the time to reflect on the past year as it relates to our infertility journey. I experienced the most progress and growth this past year compared to all previous years by far.

About a year ago, I had watched the movie October Baby, about a girl who found out she was adopted after a long process of finding herself. I also had a friend who had begun the process of adopting a baby. So for the first time ever I started considering, and became open to the idea of, adoption. Daniel and I talked about it and decided to give it 3 more months and then we would possibly move towards these other avenues. I was so emotional during this time. I didn't want to fail at natural conception but at the same time I was more open to anything than ever before. 

Around this same time, my sister-in-law was pregnant with her 3rd baby. We were talking about pregnancy and she approached me with one of the most selfless offers - she offered to be a surrogate for us if that was the issue. I had really never considered this because throughout our fertility tests we hadn't found anything wrong, especially that would prevent me from carrying a child. It was certainly not something I would've sought out from a stranger; it would take a very special person to allow to carry my child if I couldn't. The offer was very heart-warming and I found myself actually wanting to take that approach. Partly because I'm the kind of person who would have fun with it (I read a surrogacy story where a sister carried for her brother & his wife, and would tell people she was carrying her brothers child. Haha!). As it turned out, my SIL had a complicated pregnancy and we both agreed surrogacy was out of the question. But her heart & willingness blessed me. And on this journey, blessings are always welcome!

Fast forward 3 months. I'll never forget how it felt to find out the give-it-3-more-months time was up. And fruitless.  Needless to say, we didn't make any strides towards any other form of becoming parents. And honestly, my husband decided we should extend those 3 months - they have continued through the end of the year.

I, however, begun a grief process after those 3 months that has also continued through the year. If it happened, it happened but I had no more strength to actively put into it. It has caused me to experience very intense emotions like I haven't in a long time but has also stretched me in ways I never knew possible.

We will see what 2014 holds!