Who are you? Tell me about yourself. My guess is that when faced with this question, you start listing all the hats you wear - wife, mom, teacher (or whatever career you chose), etc. We all do that. But while those things are a glimpse into our lives, they don't actually tell who we are deep down. They tell what we do. One thing infertility has forced me to confront is the truth of who I am. For as long as I can remember, I've planned to be a mother. Everything in my life was wrapped up in that plan; now, I tell people do NOT let the center of your life be getting pregnant or becoming a mom. Somewhere along the journey of infertility - probably different for everyone - we are faced with the reality of our situation. For me, the reality is that I'm not a mother and may not ever be, so if that is not my identity, what is? What is God's plan for me? This has not been an easy reality to face, particularly because I believe that God created women to be helpmates and mothers, an identity given to women from the beginning of time. It's been easy to feel like I've failed at womanhood since I haven't achieve that. I'm determined to define myself outside of infertility and find out what life means for me. It's both frightening and exciting but I'm a very passionate person who loves strong emotion so I enjoy the thrill of the challenge.
But the thing is, this reality about our identities is not just for infertiles but moms, too.
My mother got pregnant with me at 19 and chose life for me in the midst of uncertainty. (Yes, my dad is my biological dad.) She made a choice that her identity would become motherhood, rather than pursuing other dreams she had as a young girl. She was a good mom. I commend her for this. However, as I grew up I remember being very aware that my mom didn't really have an identity outside of the home, being a wife and mother, even though she worked. I actually remember thinking that she didn't have much of a personality, not that I could identify anyways. (Sorry, mom.) Since my brother and I have grown up and mom isn't burdened with raising a family, I see her personality so much more when we visit. She smiles, she laughs, she talks about life. And I really think that seeing her as an individual would have been beneficial to me (and my brother) growing up - to see her chasing her dreams and going out and having fun WITHOUT US. So often, I see mothers who think everything in their lives have to be about their children - after all, this means you're a good mom, right? Women actually feel guilty for doing things and going places without their children. Their identity becomes "mother." It comes easy; it doesn't require you to look any deeper or aspire to be anything more. At the risk of sounding like a feminist, I'd go so far as to say that many women probably can't even name anything about themselves that doesn't have to do with raising children or being a homemaker.
I want to challenge women - moms and non-moms alike - to look within yourself and identify who you are on a deeper level. What are YOUR passions? What are YOUR dreams? What are YOUR goals? What are some things YOU want to do in life? The truth is, it's easy to place our identities in other people - children, spouses, employers, people we serve. The hard thing is to identify ourselves, independent of others. I decided a long time ago that I wanted to think for myself, not go with the flow. That doesn't always make me popular but it does help me to be true to myself. I'm on a journey to find who I am and what MY life is about. Please do everyone around you a favor and join me. Your children will thank you. Your spouse will thank you. God will thank you, if you will allow Him to show you what He wants from you.
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