Finding the humor...

Has anyone seen this? I thought it was just BRILLIANT!! Anyone without kids would probably agree that this is how many parents come across. Pinterest has some great childfree humor, as well. I've noticed lately that I deal with infertility through humor a lot - and my sense of humor is very sarcastic & dry. Sometimes it can come across a bit snarky, like the pic above, so I try to censor it to an extent because most people don't know how to take it. It's kind of unfortunate because parents don't worry about offending me with their nonstop posts about kids & parenting. I hope people know my sarcasm isn't directed toward them but this journey will tear you up if you don't find a way to find humor in it, somehow.

Who are YOU? A question for moms and non-moms.

Who are you? Tell me about yourself.  My guess is that when faced with this question, you start listing all the hats you wear - wife, mom, teacher (or whatever career you chose), etc.  We all do that.  But while those things are a glimpse into our lives, they don't actually tell who we are deep down.  They tell what we do.  One thing infertility has forced me to confront is the truth of who I am.  For as long as I can remember, I've planned to be a mother.  Everything in my life was wrapped up in that plan; now, I tell people do NOT let the center of your life be getting pregnant or becoming a mom.  Somewhere along the journey of infertility - probably different for everyone - we are faced with the reality of our situation.  For me, the reality is that I'm not a mother and may not ever be, so if that is not my identity, what is?  What is God's plan for me?  This has not been an easy reality to face, particularly because I believe that God created women to be helpmates and mothers, an identity given to women from the beginning of time.  It's been easy to feel like I've failed at womanhood since I haven't achieve that.  I'm determined to define myself outside of infertility and find out what life means for me.  It's both frightening and exciting but I'm a very passionate person who loves strong emotion so I enjoy the thrill of the challenge.

But the thing is, this reality about our identities is not just for infertiles but moms, too.

My mother got pregnant with me at 19 and chose life for me in the midst of uncertainty. (Yes, my dad is my biological dad.)  She made a choice that her identity would become motherhood, rather than pursuing other dreams she had as a young girl.  She was a good mom.  I commend her for this.  However, as I grew up I remember being very aware that my mom didn't really have an identity outside of the home, being a wife and mother, even though she worked.  I actually remember thinking that she didn't have much of a personality, not that I could identify anyways. (Sorry, mom.)  Since my brother and I have grown up and mom isn't burdened with raising a family, I see her personality so much more when we visit.  She smiles, she laughs, she talks about life.  And I really think that seeing her as an individual would have been beneficial to me (and my brother) growing up - to see her chasing her dreams and going out and having fun WITHOUT US.  So often, I see mothers who think everything in their lives have to be about their children - after all, this means you're a good mom, right? Women actually feel guilty for doing things and going places without their children.  Their identity becomes "mother."  It comes easy; it doesn't require you to look any deeper or aspire to be anything more.  At the risk of sounding like a feminist, I'd go so far as to say that many women probably can't even name anything about themselves that doesn't have to do with raising children or being a homemaker.

I want to challenge women - moms and non-moms alike - to look within yourself and identify who you are on a deeper level.  What are YOUR passions?  What are YOUR dreams?  What are YOUR goals?  What are some things YOU want to do in life?  The truth is, it's easy to place our identities in other people - children, spouses, employers, people we serve.  The hard thing is to identify ourselves, independent of others.  I decided a long time ago that I wanted to think for myself, not go with the flow. That doesn't always make me popular but it does help me to be true to myself.  I'm on a journey to find who I am and what MY life is about.  Please do everyone around you a favor and join me.  Your children will thank you.  Your spouse will thank you.  God will thank you, if you will allow Him to show you what He wants from you.

2013

Just thought I'd take the time to reflect on the past year as it relates to our infertility journey. I experienced the most progress and growth this past year compared to all previous years by far.

About a year ago, I had watched the movie October Baby, about a girl who found out she was adopted after a long process of finding herself. I also had a friend who had begun the process of adopting a baby. So for the first time ever I started considering, and became open to the idea of, adoption. Daniel and I talked about it and decided to give it 3 more months and then we would possibly move towards these other avenues. I was so emotional during this time. I didn't want to fail at natural conception but at the same time I was more open to anything than ever before. 

Around this same time, my sister-in-law was pregnant with her 3rd baby. We were talking about pregnancy and she approached me with one of the most selfless offers - she offered to be a surrogate for us if that was the issue. I had really never considered this because throughout our fertility tests we hadn't found anything wrong, especially that would prevent me from carrying a child. It was certainly not something I would've sought out from a stranger; it would take a very special person to allow to carry my child if I couldn't. The offer was very heart-warming and I found myself actually wanting to take that approach. Partly because I'm the kind of person who would have fun with it (I read a surrogacy story where a sister carried for her brother & his wife, and would tell people she was carrying her brothers child. Haha!). As it turned out, my SIL had a complicated pregnancy and we both agreed surrogacy was out of the question. But her heart & willingness blessed me. And on this journey, blessings are always welcome!

Fast forward 3 months. I'll never forget how it felt to find out the give-it-3-more-months time was up. And fruitless.  Needless to say, we didn't make any strides towards any other form of becoming parents. And honestly, my husband decided we should extend those 3 months - they have continued through the end of the year.

I, however, begun a grief process after those 3 months that has also continued through the year. If it happened, it happened but I had no more strength to actively put into it. It has caused me to experience very intense emotions like I haven't in a long time but has also stretched me in ways I never knew possible.

We will see what 2014 holds!

My Backstory

I've recently started a new book called Rocking the Life Unexpected, about a woman in her late 40s who never had children.  The book is a combination of her personal story and self-help/therapeutic activities that she uses in group settings with infertile women.  I will share some of these.  The first 'suggested assignment' is to share your story.  Most people know OF my story but few actually know it.

First, we've gotta go back...way back..11 years.  Daniel and I got married in June, 2002.  I got on the pill a couple months prior to our wedding because I was told my body needed time to adjust to the hormones and I needed to know my cycle so we could plan the wedding date accordingly (bow chicka wow wow..). Huge mistake!  My body never adjusted and instead, I had to deal with puking, depression and constant crazy mood swings.  We decided it wasn't worth it and I got off the pill before we ever even got married.  From then on, birth control scared me and I refused to try anything else.  We did use traditional contraceptives for a bit.  After about 4-5 months we decided to stop trying to prevent pregnancy.  We got pregnant after about 5 months but miscarried at 9 weeks.  I was almost 21 at the time.  It was a tough blow and I tried to get over it too fast, resulting in years of repressed feelings that surfaced in crazy ways.  However, we opted out of the doctor's suggestion of birth control (again) and decided to let nature run its course.

The timing is a bit hazy but if I remember right, it was about another year before I visited my OB/GYN.  They ran some hormone tests to test my ovulation and thyroid, and a semen analysis on the hubby (which all came back normal) but were hesitant to do much more due to my age (22), saying I had plenty of time. Over the next couple years, we continued to try to conceive naturally, although I did begin marking the calendar to time things right and charting my basil body temperature to watch for signs of ovulation.  And I feverishly watched for signs of pregnancy and would take pregnancy tests after only a day or two of being 'late'. I was obsessed!!

I decided to get a second opinion and started seeing a new doctor, who was wonderful and took me seriously.  She administered a 3-month supply of Clomid, a mild fertility pill intended to stimulate ovulation, even though I was already ovulating.  I was actually afraid I was going to get pregnant with 4 or 5 babies - yikes!  She then tried a progesterone supplement for 3 months, because early miscarriages like mine can be a symptom of Leutal Phase Defect, where the body is deficient of enough progesterone to line the uterus for the embryo to implant and live in.  When that didn't get us anywhere, we scheduled an HSG (pelvic x-ray) which showed my tubes to be unblocked and my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes to be aligned perfectly. Lovely - so I'm broken and we have no idea how!  But the doctor encouraged us, "many women become pregnant after an HSG because of how it 'cleans out the pipes'".....well, those women had more luck than I did, apparently.  All I got was cramps and a neat look at what I'd only seen in anatomy books. Yes, these things intrigue me! :)

This pretty much exhausted our normal doctor's resources and expertise, and she referred us to a specialist.  We immediately begun other tests and found out that our next option would be intrauterine insemination to bypass all possible 'road blocks', even though none had been found.  We were a little unsure of this because we still preferred that it happen naturally - that, and this option reminded my husband of something they do on cows.  And if that failed, IVF was completely out of the question, due to both financial and moral reasons - a belief I've since changed my mind about but the financial aspect remains the same.  It is VERY costly - $12,000-$15,000 a pop and nothing is guaranteed.  We had reached a place where the only thing left to do wasn't something we were comfortable with. By the time we might've been ready, we had no insurance and were in a different, busier place in life, and the months and years have seemed to fly by.

And that's pretty much it...granted, I didn't include all the crazy emotional aspects..that will come later.  The last time we saw a fertility doctor was in 2007, which sounds like such a long time now!  We've continued to give nature and God a chance to impregnate us. Haha :) We are now 30 and 31 years old, have dealt with infertility for 10 1/2 years and still have no idea how our story ends.  But we've grown so much along the way and are becoming increasingly open to however things play out.

And on that note, since we have no kiddos to buy for again this Christmas, we are traveling instead :) Hey, it has its perks!

Hello, hello!

I've decided to start blogging about my infertility journey. I regret that I didn't start this years ago but, as is custom with infertility, you plan your life around getting pregnant, which you expect to happen anytime, and you put things off - because what point would there be in an infertility blog after you've conceived?! But before you know it, months and years of your life have disappeared. No more putting things off for me!

There are a couple reasons I'm embarking on this journey. One is to give a voice to infertility and let women know they're not alone. Infertility is a taboo subject with a lot of shame attached. There is power and freedom in breaking the silence and sharing our stories. I don't believe people go through things only to keep it to themselves.

Another reason is that expressing myself in writing is my preferred outlet. And after 10 years, I need that. I believe this, along with connecting with others like me, will help me navigate where I'm currently at on the journey. I have no intention of sugar-coating anything (surprise, surprise!) - that would be pointless.  The only way to heal and be helpful to others is to be completely honest.

I hope that you will stay along for the ride even if you aren't personally dealing with this because chances are, someone you know is or will be.  I can assure it's unlike anything you've ever dealt with.  Saddle up & hold on tight!